What's your 'Hamish' nickname?

Basically i tell you what i would call you according to mi awesome pwnage way of saying things.

1 Someone has just had some poo fall out of their pants. What do you do?
2 Your best friend in the whole entire world dies. What do you do?
3 Aliens attack earth. What do you do?
4 You meet the love of your life. What do you do?
5 You accidently chop your own arm off. What do you do?
6 A terrorist threatens to blow up your school. What do you do?
7 You die. What do you do?